Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Randomize
