Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
