Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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