he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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