I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
