I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
did you just send me my own nude
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
