The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Randomize
