do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
