mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
