Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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