My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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