Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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