I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
