i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
