please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
