My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
