Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
