my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i dont even know how to be here
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My feet surprised me
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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