Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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