the condom got lost in my hair
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My life is pants optional.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
