i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
The ass gains better be worth it
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