The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
