Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
