I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize