My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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