i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
