i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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