this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
