Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
