i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
