I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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