I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
