im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
