Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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