I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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