I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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