My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If I die, sorry about rent.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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