So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
