Screwed.edu
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
