Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
