You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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