I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You're like the curious george of whores
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
