I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
