I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize