I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
false alarm. still invincible.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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