if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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