Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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