I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
