i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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