I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
