Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
