she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
