Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize