i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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