what day is it and did you see me today?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
