i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
