i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
