farters have to be the big spoon...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize