Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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