hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
where are you?
Hypothermia
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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