You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
