if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
