I accidentally burped into my bong.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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