the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
