He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize